suicide could be my only option. i don't know what will happen if i stay any longer.

I found myself wasting my time as I stay and look for a will to live. Trying to convince myself that maybe life is worth it and that I should endure it just a litte bit longer but at the end of the day, I keep repeating the same cycle that I've been doing... for years. Throughout those years I feel nothing but lonely, sad, unloved, neglected, troubled; literally everything that is negative. Even if I'm surrounded with a lot of people, nothing can fill this void in my life. This thing... my mental illnesses, they can't be cured. You may get better if you're lucky I guess but for me, they never went away. They just fade and then burst out of nowhere like a hurricane. I want to get a professional help ya know. The thing is, I know I won't be able to get help until I get into college or something. My parents won't believe me if I were to tell them about this.

I'm a step closer from vanishing completely from the face of the Earth. I'm just waiting for the right time to go. When I'm completely tired and filled with nothing but rage, insanity and self loathe. That is when people will realise this isn't a phase. I'm sick. I need help. I tried my best but they didn't see it. And when they do, it is already too late.

neurotypicals...... are fucking dumb. educate yourselves bitches

2 a.m. triggered and crying. everything is getting worse. convincing myself being alive is fun and worth it. but my brain disagreed.

one day i'll run away as far as i can and pretend like nothing ever happen. i'll forget every person i've knew in my entire life and act like a whole new person. i'll legally change my name and pretend my birth name wasn't the one he named. and within a few years, when someone who once knew me have an encounter with me, they'll call me by that name and i'll just look at them; confused. i'll say "i think you got the wrong person. i don't know her".

i'll erase every memory that were created in which manipulated me into thinking they were bittersweet memories. no, they're all a tragic past and it is not nostalgic but somehow tricked my mind and gave me that kind of vibes.

as of now, i'll try my best to live and not die. no one knows how long it will take but i prayed to God, please bring happiness in my life. let me be free from these unnecessary worries, anxiety and thoughts that rots me from the inside. please help me fight the demons in my head that whispers nothing but negative things to me. and please.. take me away from them. take me away from those people who've done nothing but hurt me emotionally and told me they did that because they love me. you know its not love. i don't see it and i don't feel it.