❝ keep running and don't let yourself be paralysed by fears ❞
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New year
Posted Friday, 4 January 2019 // 17:06
We all know that it is mandatory to have some kind of goals or resolutions when new year is approaching and yet...... we never failed to fulfilled it. Every. single. time. The only thing I managed to accomplish from my new year goals is... buy a new phone. That's it. So for this year, I decided to slowly break out of my shell and challenge myself (and my mental health) to be and do better than I did before. We're forgiving ourselves and not sabotaging our growth this year. It'll be a slow process to be who I want to be and live the life I've dreamt for years. This is a lifelong journey and we need to remind ourselves that recovery is not linear. It's okay to relapse, it's okay to make mistake, it's okay to feel what you're feeling and it's okay to have things not going the you want it to be. It is not the end of the world.I'm going to focus on myself from now on and ignore everything that is deemed to be irrelevant. I won't repeat the same mistakes I did from years ago and will handle things rationally with maturity. I won't act impulsively when I'm not in the right state of mind to make decisions. Even when everyone and the world is against you, remember to never give up on yourself. You deserve better than this life has to offer you. To future Z, I hope life will take an unexpected turn for you (in a positive way) and you will get to the finish line of your own marathon. x Go back
Posted Thursday, 27 December 2018 // 22:14
One of the thing that I regret the most is how I took November and December 2013 for granted. I was dying; not eating, drastically losing weight in a short time, barely able to stand up for more than 2 seconds without blacking out. On top of that I was inpatient but not for my ed. And for whatever reason I thought recovery was a good idea. I should've stayed that way until I reached my ultimate goal and kill myself because clearly 2014 was the beginning of the shittiest fucking show. I had the perfect chance to end it all but I ruined it. If I can go back I would gladly go through the pain of 2013 until it's November so I can do it all again and end myself. Now I'm just a fat, ugly miserable 20 years old with no sense of direction in her life. A complete failure and disappointment. Waiting for a miracle. Clinging onto empty hopes.Not as it seems
Posted Friday, 18 May 2018 // 20:23
Hey, i'm back! But ummm.. it's not like, anyone reads my blog or care about me or something. Anyway, I know the intro of this post sounds lively and bright but unfortunately the context of this post will be far from positive. I'll summarise everything that have happened since my last post. Here we go.
I got a job and start working on 8th January, against my will; by force and high unrealistic expectation. I had a hard time during the first and a half month of working there. During the first week, I was so anxious, contemplating my entire fucking existence and even attempted sui*ide. Dramatic? No, just really impulsive. Out of control. Okay.... imagine telling your parents you don't want to attend a boarding school for logical specific reason and the next thing you know your parents decided that you HAVE to go there and you only have less than a week to fully prepare yourself. That was my situation except it's not boarding school.
I was forced to work at my mom's husband (I've decided to stop calling him 'dad'/father) company. He's the co-owner of the new company and I don't give a single flying fuck about it. I was forced to get in the car with no clue of what's going on. The owner or should I say boss? yeah, the boss is apparently a 'good friend' of my mom's husband. On the 1st day of me starting this shit ass job, I was already bombarded with way too many personal questions and unsolicited advices + goals + unrealistic expectation. I'm a very private person, I don't like telling people about myself or talking about my family, even with my friends.
So, when a stranger aka my mom's husband's 'good friend' asked those questions, I was ...... taken aback. Do they think they have the right to ask me those questions just because they're a good friend of my mom's husband? smh. I got so anxious because this man suddenly decides what I should be doing in my life/future and one thing that triggered my depressed ass the most is when he said "You know, your 'dad', he's a very nice man". My reaction to this? Questioning my entire existence, bawling my eyes out, contemplating suicide and think about quitting my job the next day. Yup, it's that bad lol.
Fast forward; I've worked there for almost.. 3 months now, I guess, and I kind of.. get the hang of it. Not really. I had to pay 500 bucks because something happened and I also got scammed for 450 bucks when I was about to buy a new fucking phone hahaha gnarly. My salary is gone within minutes. Just like that. I had to let my brain process everything before finally accepting the situation. This is my fate. I have quite a bad luck with my life, nothing seems to go the way I want it to be, it's sucks and funny. I just want to laugh at how bad everything is.
I thought I could save a portion of my salary for a new phone and braces. Now I have to choose one between those two because my parents won't pay for my dental care! Maybe if I was smart enough and follow my instinct I could prevent myself from getting scammed. Oh well, things happen for a reason and this was a lesson I could learn from.
So much have happened in 3 months it's crazy thinking about it.
p/s: this post was written in march and i forgot i left it in the draft until today. oh, i quitted my job on the last day of march, New Year Resolutions
Posted Thursday, 4 January 2018 // 10:59
I know I said I don't want to have any kind of expectations for this year but this one is uh, different. So, here's the list:-
update: i didn't accomplish any of these. well, not surprised.
'Happy' New Year, It's 2018
Posted Wednesday, 3 January 2018 // 23:32
I forgot this blog exist, sorry. I've been MIA for so long and I barely post anymore. Time went by so fast, I can't believe it's 2018 already and we have 2 years left until it's 2020. It feel so surreal. I'm going to be 20 years old in 6 months and no longer a teenager. Truth to be told, I hate growing up and I hate getting older. I never see myself living my life as an adult because honestly... I spent my entire teenage years and childhood being depressed, suicidal and hiding under the shell. I don't even think I'll be alive until i'm 18. Against all odds, I made it to the age of 19. There's nothing special about it. I am still as miserable as I've been throughout the years, nothing has really changed. If I were to describe how life has turned out for me, I would say, it's been a hell of a journey, a fucking rollercoaster and a shit show. I don't enjoy a single bit of it and I still definitely won't for the next 5 years.You thought this post was going to be a positive one? Ha! Maybe in 10 years! Or maybe not, because I won't make it that long. Anyway, I don't want to have any kind of expectation this year because if I do, I'll only end up letting myself down. So, just have to wait and see what's waiting for me in 2018. Till then, Zoey x Life Update; for the ??th time
Posted Wednesday, 30 August 2017 // 18:21
Hi, how long has it been since the last time I post something here? I don't remember but I feel odd logging in into blogger and reading my old posts. I was very active posting stuff here in 2013. Now I just.. trying my best. Anyway, as mentioned in my last post, I dropped out of college and the aftermath of that isn't very easy for me. I am again at my lowest point, locked myself in my room for months, refused to talk/socialise with anyone and just isolate myself. The situation with my family isn't helping me at all so, there's that. Fast forward to somewhere in early August, after my parents keep forcing me to get out and find a job, I finally did.It's been a little bit over 2 weeks since I started my job and right now you might thought 'Oh that's great! What a great achievement! You finally break out of your coocoon!', well... sorry to break your bubbles but it doesn't go as what me and you would've imagined. My mental health is worsening. I hate my work, I hate how I feel mentally drained, I hate how I feel panic every single time I walk into my job, I hate how I could never do anything right, I hate how I'm nothing but a disappointment to everyone around me including myself. I've attempted suicide twice this month and failed everytime. I'm such a fucking joke. ..and that's all I have to say. I don't really want to get in detail of what's going on in my life. Just letting everyone (or no one) know that instead of getting better I just deteriorate. It's funny how I keep convincing myself that life would get better if I don't kill myself. After years and years of suicide attempts and stuck with intrusive thoughts, I still told myself the same thing and nothing changes. Life Update after MIA
Posted Monday, 13 March 2017 // 03:42
Hey, I don't know if there's anyone who reads my blog anymore. But that doesn't stop me from typing and posting this. As usual, I hate having to explain and wasting my time, (and yours) so i'll try to keep everything quick and short. I got accepted to a local, public, racist, mediocre and overrated institute (I'm pretty sure Okay, back to the main topic. I was offered a diploma in culinary arts and... I had mixed feelings about this, you know? Like, hey this is such a 'fun' course but I know for fuck's sake I can't perform and catch on this course and I'm going to suffer in agony! But like I said on the last sentence in the first paragraph; I have to accept the offer.. sadly and bitterly. Fast forward, I made a 'bunch' of friends and I had the best roommates ever. But shit happen, I start to lose interest in everything, constantly dissociating and stressing. My head is a ticking bomb ready to explode at any minute! One of my roommates dropped out of college and I got into the Great Depression. I start to rethinking... evaluating.... contemplating... my life and existence. God, I wish my mom have aborted me so I never have to exist and have responsibility or, God I wish I get suck into the blackhole right about now. Jokes aside, I really am at my lowest point. Feels like it is 2011/2013 all over again. Tragic, dark and cold. I never want to feel that way again but here I am. With that, I start to skip classes. From one class a week, to two classes, three classes, to one week, two weeks, three weeks. And throughout those times that fucking old man sent me a text asking how's my study and I replied with an 'okay.' when I'm literally in a deep shit. My classmates and lecturers are looking for me but I'm hiding quietly in the dungeon refusing to escape from it. I keep texting my mom bombarding her with 'I can't do this anymore, I really need to drop out of college' and I had to come up with some lame excuses on why I wanted to drop out of college. There's no way I can tell her the actual truth in detail on why I want to drop out because I never share my problems with my family. It's fucking weird and awkward okay. So, bla bla bla bla I don't give a fuck. I decided to go to the office myself and get the paper and get shit done quickly. Well, not really. Took me like.. 6 days because I was too lazy to send the paper. VOILA! I dropped out of college just like that. And it's not even one whole semester. Y'all need to remember.. that fucking old man don't know shit about this at all so you know someone is going to be homeless and get disown once she's home! I'm home now tho, and I've been having a numerous mental breakdowns but I'm OK I guess. I'm not homeless (yet) and I don't get disown (yet). It's always like that. I'm used to it. About that fucking old man, I don't think it's a good idea to tell you what happen when he found out about me dropping out because it's not important HAH. But knowing him, you can predict the bullshit he spat on me. I have to say, it's working. I mean, the way he tried to bring me down and make me feel like a failure. The way he tried to guilt trip me and manipulate me into thinking I'm a bad person and made it seem like he's a saint when he's clearly not. I mean, I've always been a failure in his eyes. I'll never find peace in my life unless that fucking old man die. That's all I have to say. Or type. Now, here I am ready to click that publish button as I sigh in relief thinking to myself, 'Finally.. Time to sleep' at 3:43 in the morning on Monday. |
Writing out my thoughts and life anonymously for your entertainment. TW! // suicide mention, self harm, eating disorder, etc. ♡♡ |