❝ keep running and don't let yourself be paralysed by fears ❞
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New year
Posted Friday, 4 January 2019 // 17:06
We all know that it is mandatory to have some kind of goals or resolutions when new year is approaching and yet...... we never failed to fulfilled it. Every. single. time. The only thing I managed to accomplish from my new year goals is... buy a new phone. That's it. So for this year, I decided to slowly break out of my shell and challenge myself (and my mental health) to be and do better than I did before. We're forgiving ourselves and not sabotaging our growth this year. It'll be a slow process to be who I want to be and live the life I've dreamt for years. This is a lifelong journey and we need to remind ourselves that recovery is not linear. It's okay to relapse, it's okay to make mistake, it's okay to feel what you're feeling and it's okay to have things not going the you want it to be. It is not the end of the world.I'm going to focus on myself from now on and ignore everything that is deemed to be irrelevant. I won't repeat the same mistakes I did from years ago and will handle things rationally with maturity. I won't act impulsively when I'm not in the right state of mind to make decisions. Even when everyone and the world is against you, remember to never give up on yourself. You deserve better than this life has to offer you. To future Z, I hope life will take an unexpected turn for you (in a positive way) and you will get to the finish line of your own marathon. x Go back
Posted Thursday, 27 December 2018 // 22:14
One of the thing that I regret the most is how I took November and December 2013 for granted. I was dying; not eating, drastically losing weight in a short time, barely able to stand up for more than 2 seconds without blacking out. On top of that I was inpatient but not for my ed. And for whatever reason I thought recovery was a good idea. I should've stayed that way until I reached my ultimate goal and kill myself because clearly 2014 was the beginning of the shittiest fucking show. I had the perfect chance to end it all but I ruined it. If I can go back I would gladly go through the pain of 2013 until it's November so I can do it all again and end myself. Now I'm just a fat, ugly miserable 20 years old with no sense of direction in her life. A complete failure and disappointment. Waiting for a miracle. Clinging onto empty hopes.Not as it seems
Posted Friday, 18 May 2018 // 20:23
Hey, i'm back! But ummm.. it's not like, anyone reads my blog or care about me or something. Anyway, I know the intro of this post sounds lively and bright but unfortunately the context of this post will be far from positive. I'll summarise everything that have happened since my last post. Here we go.
I got a job and start working on 8th January, against my will; by force and high unrealistic expectation. I had a hard time during the first and a half month of working there. During the first week, I was so anxious, contemplating my entire fucking existence and even attempted sui*ide. Dramatic? No, just really impulsive. Out of control. Okay.... imagine telling your parents you don't want to attend a boarding school for logical specific reason and the next thing you know your parents decided that you HAVE to go there and you only have less than a week to fully prepare yourself. That was my situation except it's not boarding school.
I was forced to work at my mom's husband (I've decided to stop calling him 'dad'/father) company. He's the co-owner of the new company and I don't give a single flying fuck about it. I was forced to get in the car with no clue of what's going on. The owner or should I say boss? yeah, the boss is apparently a 'good friend' of my mom's husband. On the 1st day of me starting this shit ass job, I was already bombarded with way too many personal questions and unsolicited advices + goals + unrealistic expectation. I'm a very private person, I don't like telling people about myself or talking about my family, even with my friends.
So, when a stranger aka my mom's husband's 'good friend' asked those questions, I was ...... taken aback. Do they think they have the right to ask me those questions just because they're a good friend of my mom's husband? smh. I got so anxious because this man suddenly decides what I should be doing in my life/future and one thing that triggered my depressed ass the most is when he said "You know, your 'dad', he's a very nice man". My reaction to this? Questioning my entire existence, bawling my eyes out, contemplating suicide and think about quitting my job the next day. Yup, it's that bad lol.
Fast forward; I've worked there for almost.. 3 months now, I guess, and I kind of.. get the hang of it. Not really. I had to pay 500 bucks because something happened and I also got scammed for 450 bucks when I was about to buy a new fucking phone hahaha gnarly. My salary is gone within minutes. Just like that. I had to let my brain process everything before finally accepting the situation. This is my fate. I have quite a bad luck with my life, nothing seems to go the way I want it to be, it's sucks and funny. I just want to laugh at how bad everything is.
I thought I could save a portion of my salary for a new phone and braces. Now I have to choose one between those two because my parents won't pay for my dental care! Maybe if I was smart enough and follow my instinct I could prevent myself from getting scammed. Oh well, things happen for a reason and this was a lesson I could learn from.
So much have happened in 3 months it's crazy thinking about it.
p/s: this post was written in march and i forgot i left it in the draft until today. oh, i quitted my job on the last day of march, New Year Resolutions
Posted Thursday, 4 January 2018 // 10:59
I know I said I don't want to have any kind of expectations for this year but this one is uh, different. So, here's the list:-
update: i didn't accomplish any of these. well, not surprised.
'Happy' New Year, It's 2018
Posted Wednesday, 3 January 2018 // 23:32
I forgot this blog exist, sorry. I've been MIA for so long and I barely post anymore. Time went by so fast, I can't believe it's 2018 already and we have 2 years left until it's 2020. It feel so surreal. I'm going to be 20 years old in 6 months and no longer a teenager. Truth to be told, I hate growing up and I hate getting older. I never see myself living my life as an adult because honestly... I spent my entire teenage years and childhood being depressed, suicidal and hiding under the shell. I don't even think I'll be alive until i'm 18. Against all odds, I made it to the age of 19. There's nothing special about it. I am still as miserable as I've been throughout the years, nothing has really changed. If I were to describe how life has turned out for me, I would say, it's been a hell of a journey, a fucking rollercoaster and a shit show. I don't enjoy a single bit of it and I still definitely won't for the next 5 years.You thought this post was going to be a positive one? Ha! Maybe in 10 years! Or maybe not, because I won't make it that long. Anyway, I don't want to have any kind of expectation this year because if I do, I'll only end up letting myself down. So, just have to wait and see what's waiting for me in 2018. Till then, Zoey x Life Update; for the ??th time
Posted Wednesday, 30 August 2017 // 18:21
Hi, how long has it been since the last time I post something here? I don't remember but I feel odd logging in into blogger and reading my old posts. I was very active posting stuff here in 2013. Now I just.. trying my best. Anyway, as mentioned in my last post, I dropped out of college and the aftermath of that isn't very easy for me. I am again at my lowest point, locked myself in my room for months, refused to talk/socialise with anyone and just isolate myself. The situation with my family isn't helping me at all so, there's that. Fast forward to somewhere in early August, after my parents keep forcing me to get out and find a job, I finally did.It's been a little bit over 2 weeks since I started my job and right now you might thought 'Oh that's great! What a great achievement! You finally break out of your coocoon!', well... sorry to break your bubbles but it doesn't go as what me and you would've imagined. My mental health is worsening. I hate my work, I hate how I feel mentally drained, I hate how I feel panic every single time I walk into my job, I hate how I could never do anything right, I hate how I'm nothing but a disappointment to everyone around me including myself. I've attempted suicide twice this month and failed everytime. I'm such a fucking joke. ..and that's all I have to say. I don't really want to get in detail of what's going on in my life. Just letting everyone (or no one) know that instead of getting better I just deteriorate. It's funny how I keep convincing myself that life would get better if I don't kill myself. After years and years of suicide attempts and stuck with intrusive thoughts, I still told myself the same thing and nothing changes. Life Update after MIA
Posted Monday, 13 March 2017 // 03:42
Hey, I don't know if there's anyone who reads my blog anymore. But that doesn't stop me from typing and posting this. As usual, I hate having to explain and wasting my time, (and yours) so i'll try to keep everything quick and short. I got accepted to a local, public, racist, mediocre and overrated institute (I'm pretty sure Okay, back to the main topic. I was offered a diploma in culinary arts and... I had mixed feelings about this, you know? Like, hey this is such a 'fun' course but I know for fuck's sake I can't perform and catch on this course and I'm going to suffer in agony! But like I said on the last sentence in the first paragraph; I have to accept the offer.. sadly and bitterly. Fast forward, I made a 'bunch' of friends and I had the best roommates ever. But shit happen, I start to lose interest in everything, constantly dissociating and stressing. My head is a ticking bomb ready to explode at any minute! One of my roommates dropped out of college and I got into the Great Depression. I start to rethinking... evaluating.... contemplating... my life and existence. God, I wish my mom have aborted me so I never have to exist and have responsibility or, God I wish I get suck into the blackhole right about now. Jokes aside, I really am at my lowest point. Feels like it is 2011/2013 all over again. Tragic, dark and cold. I never want to feel that way again but here I am. With that, I start to skip classes. From one class a week, to two classes, three classes, to one week, two weeks, three weeks. And throughout those times that fucking old man sent me a text asking how's my study and I replied with an 'okay.' when I'm literally in a deep shit. My classmates and lecturers are looking for me but I'm hiding quietly in the dungeon refusing to escape from it. I keep texting my mom bombarding her with 'I can't do this anymore, I really need to drop out of college' and I had to come up with some lame excuses on why I wanted to drop out of college. There's no way I can tell her the actual truth in detail on why I want to drop out because I never share my problems with my family. It's fucking weird and awkward okay. So, bla bla bla bla I don't give a fuck. I decided to go to the office myself and get the paper and get shit done quickly. Well, not really. Took me like.. 6 days because I was too lazy to send the paper. VOILA! I dropped out of college just like that. And it's not even one whole semester. Y'all need to remember.. that fucking old man don't know shit about this at all so you know someone is going to be homeless and get disown once she's home! I'm home now tho, and I've been having a numerous mental breakdowns but I'm OK I guess. I'm not homeless (yet) and I don't get disown (yet). It's always like that. I'm used to it. About that fucking old man, I don't think it's a good idea to tell you what happen when he found out about me dropping out because it's not important HAH. But knowing him, you can predict the bullshit he spat on me. I have to say, it's working. I mean, the way he tried to bring me down and make me feel like a failure. The way he tried to guilt trip me and manipulate me into thinking I'm a bad person and made it seem like he's a saint when he's clearly not. I mean, I've always been a failure in his eyes. I'll never find peace in my life unless that fucking old man die. That's all I have to say. Or type. Now, here I am ready to click that publish button as I sigh in relief thinking to myself, 'Finally.. Time to sleep' at 3:43 in the morning on Monday. Reminiscing
Posted Saturday, 19 November 2016 // 02:19
I was just thinking about all of my childhood ambitions and dreams when I suddenly remember this part of my childhood dreams that I never remember until now. I used to draw a lot. Like, a lot. I would draw and make comics with my friends in the class instead of paying attention to the teacher and how me and my brother used to bond over making comics when I was around 7-10 years old. I can remember it vividly now. I remember my brother asked me what do I want to be when I grow up and I would say 'I want to be a comic book artist'. I was determined and sure of that. He said he wanted to become a scientist but as I grow up I realised our childhood dreams are too impossible. Maybe it would be possible if my parents were supportive but they're like every other typical parents who expect their children to have an 'actual job' like you know, be a teacher, a businessman whatever the hell it is. They just expect us to do well when I'M LITERALLY HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AND HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEIR BULLSHIT AND A BUNCH OF MENTAL ILLNESS BUT DO THEY KNOW THAT OH WELL YOU GUESS IT THEY DON'T BECAUSE THEY'RE SELFISH. Goodnight.Posted Saturday, 5 November 2016 // 17:42
suicide could be my only option. i don't know what will happen if i stay any longer. ад ждет меня¿
Posted Sunday, 23 October 2016 // 07:56
I found myself wasting my time as I stay and look for a will to live. Trying to convince myself that maybe life is worth it and that I should endure it just a litte bit longer but at the end of the day, I keep repeating the same cycle that I've been doing... for years. Throughout those years I feel nothing but lonely, sad, unloved, neglected, troubled; literally everything that is negative. Even if I'm surrounded with a lot of people, nothing can fill this void in my life. This thing... my mental illnesses, they can't be cured. You may get better if you're lucky I guess but for me, they never went away. They just fade and then burst out of nowhere like a hurricane. I want to get a professional help ya know. The thing is, I know I won't be able to get help until I get into college or something. My parents won't believe me if I were to tell them about this. I'm a step closer from vanishing completely from the face of the Earth. I'm just waiting for the right time to go. When I'm completely tired and filled with nothing but rage, insanity and self loathe. That is when people will realise this isn't a phase. I'm sick. I need help. I tried my best but they didn't see it. And when they do, it is already too late. Posted Saturday, 1 October 2016 // 19:09
neurotypicals...... are fucking dumb. educate yourselves bitches Typical neurodivergent night routine
Posted Tuesday, 27 September 2016 // 03:03
2 a.m. triggered and crying. everything is getting worse. convincing myself being alive is fun and worth it. but my brain disagreed. a ray of hope
Posted Monday, 12 September 2016 // 17:03
one day i'll run away as far as i can and pretend like nothing ever happen. i'll forget every person i've knew in my entire life and act like a whole new person. i'll legally change my name and pretend my birth name wasn't the one he named. and within a few years, when someone who once knew me have an encounter with me, they'll call me by that name and i'll just look at them; confused. i'll say "i think you got the wrong person. i don't know her". i'll erase every memory that were created in which manipulated me into thinking they were bittersweet memories. no, they're all a tragic past and it is not nostalgic but somehow tricked my mind and gave me that kind of vibes. as of now, i'll try my best to live and not die. no one knows how long it will take but i prayed to God, please bring happiness in my life. let me be free from these unnecessary worries, anxiety and thoughts that rots me from the inside. please help me fight the demons in my head that whispers nothing but negative things to me. and please.. take me away from them. take me away from those people who've done nothing but hurt me emotionally and told me they did that because they love me. you know its not love. i don't see it and i don't feel it. Posted Friday, 2 September 2016 // 20:28
They said they love me but I can't feel the love. It's all pure white lies.Posted Saturday, 18 June 2016 // 16:44
I'm keeping you in my life even though you've hurt me countless times. Why? Because I can't imagine how my life would be without you. I don't want to end our years worth of friendship. Most importantly is because I love you. I love you and you don't even know that.Posted Saturday, 28 May 2016 // 21:37
What's the point of trying? When you know you won't be able to make it anyway. Tired of trying because no matter how much you tries and prove it to them, people just won't appreciate your passion and dreams. Guess its time to bury my one and only things that keeps me alive throughout those years of being suicidal and wanting to die. Nothing goes the way I wanted it to be, eh?I Don't Know¿
Posted Thursday, 19 May 2016 // 03:50
Is it weird for me to wish that things are still the same? I wish I can explain what I'm trying to say but my english is pretty shitty and I'm not good with words but, here we go.These days, I found myself keep thinking about the old days and wishing that some things are still the same, like, you know... D and F are still friends with me, I would stay in touch with some of my elementary school friends, "I" and S would talk to me, etc. I'm not sure if its because I no longer go to school or is it my mental illness or is it just me. I always end up thinking about it and I wonder if some of them remember me or even think about me. I can never get the thoughts out of my head. I'm a total mess. I must be fucking stupid for missing people who've once hurted me. I've been trying to talk to D on social media anonymously and now I'm rethinking my actions. Is it worth it? I've moved on from thinking about "I" but my ugly ass eventually find its way back creeping on his page. It pissed me off because he appeared in my dreams numerous time too lol. ugh God I sound so desperate and pathetic :( Anyway.... I wonder how my life would be if certain things happen or .. didn't happen. I'm curious to know. also p/s: I would write longer than this if my laptop and keyboard aren't trash :-) Posted Monday, 2 May 2016 // 20:50
i'm so tired and drainedPosted Tuesday, 22 March 2016 // 18:00
I feel like a useless piece of trash and I want to die. I hate how things won't go the way I wanted it to be, and & I hate that I have no control in anything. I'm really tired :-)I don't know Labels: but I'm hanging in there, u know Life
Posted Tuesday, 8 March 2016 // 00:30
Life is so fucking hectic. Freedom and happiness slowly faded as you grow up. Growing up, you become worry and pressured of life. Each day, you started to smile less and grown tired. It's getting hard for you to sleep early and wake up early because you constantly thinking about life. Having to fulfill everyone's need and expectations just to make them happy/proud but its just that... you can't do it. Its not like you don't want to; you just can't. With that, they started to lose faith in you and say something reckless without thinking about how you feel. Eventually, you agreed with them because you're just tired of everything. You were once a person full of dreams and hopes. What about now? You find yourself asking; is life worth it?You can't help but to lie on the cold floor and reminiscing the memory of being a child. You wish you could be a child again because life would be easy. But reality hits you. Every child will grow up anyway. Life continue as usual, everything is still the same. Whether you exist or not. |
Writing out my thoughts and life anonymously for your entertainment. TW! // suicide mention, self harm, eating disorder, etc. ♡♡ |